Being happily reminded, once again, of just how little I know!

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Let me start by explaining the state that I am in while writing this post.  I am kinda blushing from embarrassment but also smiling very broadly. I’ve just been hit with a realisation that is in some ways so humbling, but is all the same very welcome.  I am not going to spell out the realisation but only just sketch around it in very vague outline. The point of this post is not to talk about the realisation itself, but rather to discuss what it has reminded me of myself, namely that writing this blog sometimes deceives me into thinking I know a lot about relationships. On one hand I do know some things, frankly speaking. On the other, greater hand, I also know that in an actual relationship everything I know, everything I think I know will in the day to day practice of a relationship amount to essentially nothing and I will be all the more shocked, destabilised or disadvantaged precisely because I think I know stuff.

But before I launch into that proper, let me firstly explain why I have been so silent on this blog of late. In short, I’ve been working.  I’ve also, obviously, been wasting a ton of time watching Afro-Korean romances – yes, still! On one hand, I have been multi-tasking, so I’ve been watching them while praying. On the other hand, I’ve recently realised/accepted that I could easily have been working instead while praying and definitely concentrating more on the prayers too while at it! [The truth is that I have been working too while praying/watching, but I recently realised that there is another type of work that I could have been doing additionally] So while I have not really been giving these dramas any truly unoccupied time, all the same I could still have been using that time more efficiently, if I had truly wanted to. But you know what, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  Despite watching these dramas I have still managed to work very hard and be very productive. And additionally, I’ve realised, just today, that I have been living vicariously through these dramas. So yeah, let’s leave it at that!

Actually I have been doing a few other things too beyond those but ahem, let’s not go there!
In short, this particular post is a bit of a one-off while I tackle a big (huge!) project with my work then hopefully once that is in place then I will be able to come back to writing these Huggie-Wuggie posts regularly.

So anyway to go back to the subject of this blog post, there are a few points I need to make to just set the scene.
So yeah, on one hand, I have been writing this blog for 16 years.  I am so grateful for the information that is on this blog, all the things that have occurred to me over the years, the ways of looking at things, even the idea of sitting beforehand to work out how to plan towards a great marriage from the outset. And yet for much of this time, I have been coming back to this understanding, this realisation that despite these years of blogging, I do not know anything, and I will likely be as surprised, confused or disoriented as anyone else in marriage. In fact, all this blogging could actually turn out to be a disadvantage if I falsely allow myself to think I know a lot. But in the day to day rhythm of life I often fall into the default thinking that I am quite knowledgeable about relationships.

Furthermore, beyond relationships, I consider myself to be quite well versed on things generally.  What I mean is that I am quite confident in what I know. And one of the things I think I know best is my own self. I tend to psychoanalyse myself a lot, or at least I have done so in the past, if not so much recently. I would have assumed that everyone did the same to themselves, but after interacting with people, I have come to see that this is actually quite rare. Many people/most people, apparently do not go out of their way to understand their own selves, and what hidden impulses or motives may be hiding within their psyches.

So it is within that context of thinking I know quite a lot about myself and about relationships that I surprisingly find myself slapped with an unexpected realisation about myself. I also make it my business to be thoroughly honest with myself about any individual man and whatever feelings I might or might not be nurturing towards him. I cannot afford to be complacent or careless about men so if I find myself nurturing any kind of feelings, it is in my own best interests to identify them, and deal with them accordingly.  So literally within the last hour or so I have finally realised something that makes me see that my knowledge of myself is not as sophisticated as I previously thought. I know I said I would describe it in vague outline but I can’t even do that!  What is key here though is that what I have finally understood is so crashingly obvious. And yet I’ve missed it. For years! Another thing that is key is this: because I consider myself to be quite perceptive (because I am constantly watching, constantly evaluating, constantly asking myself questions) I tend to see things that other people have missed, which to me seem extremely obvious. And I tend to think “How could they have missed this?!”

So imagine my shock when exactly the same thing happened to me! That is, something extremely obvious finally made itself known to me that I should have seen a long way off. And as I say, I’m talking about something that has been going on for years. It basically involves a years’ long inability to correctly identify my own feelings!  Honestly as I am writing this I am stunned. But quite happy too!

Anyway, I am going to leave it here because I am tired and my bed is calling.   zzzz!
Realistically it is still going to be a month or so before I can get back to writing these posts but my mind has been buzzing with post ideas as much as ever and I can’t wait to get back into it!
God bless you all, and especially –  you know who you are!