Freebook: Where Does True Concern Come From?

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Video Intros Subblog: Where Does True Concern Come From?

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In this post I am going to address something that should really be central to my relationship writings, but has not been. That is, the question of genuine care and concern for your spouse as a requirement for getting married. The reason that I never talk about this is simply because I do not understand it. I am so aware that many of my prescriptions might sound like exactly that: prescribed, and cold, as if there is a mathematical formula to choosing a spouse. Ironically, I have been thinking of starting a series on marriage formulas – I’m being totally serious!

I’ve spoken a lot about “feelings” because I understand feelings. However true selfless concern – I’ve never understood how that fits into the dynamic of relationships, and whether or not it can be “drummed up” at will.

However I’ve recently had a few thoughts/revelations about this.

To illustrate the points for this post I am going to share with you (in very, very vague outline) a couple of real-life stories of my real-life interactions with real-life men.

Looking back over the years, as implausible as this may seem, I am quite reassured in my single status as I sincerely don’t think that there was a single person that I have ever met (who was single when I met them), whom I could productively have married, bearing in mind all that I want to be. Seriously. Out of all the inappropriate crushes I had, and all the Christian guys I met, not a single person – except for this one certain guy. From my current perspective, he has been the only man who has even almost come close to what my husband would need to be. Apologies if that sounds somewhat arrogant, as if I am in this high place evaluating men as not being good enough for my standards. It is not like that. All these guys whom “I could not possibly have married” include some of the loveliest guys, who far exceeded me in character. However many of these guys were not Christians, and of those who were, only this guy seemed to come close to something that would be suitable for me. I was so aware of it at the time, and I knew that I could not afford to squander this opportunity. Yet ultimately I walked away, and emphatically so.

Because I was so aware of it, even at the time, and because – surprise! – I am still not married now a few years later, I still go over it in my mind. Was walking away truly the right thing to do? Was it just my pride that was affronted? (As usual!) Actually, a big – no, huge – aspect of the thing was that I was not at that time praying for my marriage. Prayer for my marriage to me equates to a big investment of time, and at the time I was focused on establishing my businesses. Since then I have come to realise that lack of prayer will kill any potential relationship with anyone whom I might consider romantically, possibly before any such relationship has had the slightest chance to develop. That said, I do believe that walking away was the right thing to do with this particular guy – more intense prayer would simply have revealed this earlier. While superficially the idea of a relationship between us might have seemed feasible, it would probably have ended up being disastrous for both parties – not least because he did not strike me as being particularly huggie!

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